Relative Stupidity

Notes: 29 / 2 years ago from lickystickypickywe

Police: Mom Attacks Own Kids Over Pork Chop

A Sacramento mom has been arrested after attacking her two teen sons over a pork chop, according to Sacramento police.

Police say Chavonna Gough got upset with her 16-year-old and 19-year-old sons for eating the last pork chop. She allegedly hit one teen in the head and then punched him in the face.

After that, police say she grabbed a knife from the kitchen and chased them out of the house.

Gough has been arrested on felony child abuse. The 16-year-old was taken into protective custody.

source

I was really expecting to see a 400lb woman since she felt the need to attack her children over food … she’s not really fat but she does look f-ed up!

Notes: 1 / 2 years ago

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

The Signifyin’ Monkey

The Signifyin' Monkey
(Rudy Ray Moore)

Below is the text of this story - I highly recommend you actually listen to it!

Way down in the jungle deep,
The bad ass lion stepped on the signifyin monkey's feet.
The monkey said, "Muthafucka, can't you see?
Why, you standin on my goddamn feet!"
The lion said, "I ain't heard a word you said."
Said, "If you say three more I'll be steppin on yo muthafuckin head!"
Now, the monkey lived in the jungle in an old oak tree.
Bullshittin the lion everyday of the week.
Why, everyday before the sun go down,
That lion would kick his all through the jungle town.
But the monkey got wise and started usin his wit.
Said, "I'm gon' put a stop to this ole ass kickin shit!"
So he ran up on the lion the very next day.
Said, "Oh Mr. lion, there's a big, bad muthafucka comin your way.
And when you meet, it's gonna be a goddamn sin,
And wherever you meet some ass is bound to bend."
Said, "he's somebody that you don't know,
He just broke a-loose from the Ringlin Brothers show."
Said, "Baby, he talked about your people in a helluva way!
He talked about your people till my hair turned gray!
He said your daddy's a freak and your momma's a whore.
Said he spotted you running through the jungle
Sellin asshole from door to door!
Said your sister did the damndest trick.
She got down so low and sucked a earthworm's dick.
Said he spotted yo niece behind the tree,
Screwin a muthafuckin flea!
He said he saw yo aunt sittin on the fence
Givin a goddamn zebra a french.
Then he talked about yo mammy and yo sister Lou,
Then he start talkin about how good yo grandmaw screw.
Said yo sister's a prostitute and yo brother's a punk,
And said I'll be damned if you don't eat all the pussy
You see when you get drunk!
He said he cornholed your uncle and fucked your aunty and niece,
And next time he see yo grandmaw he gonna get him another good piece.
Said your brother died with the whoopin cough
And your uncle died with the measles
And your old grandpaw died with a rag chunked up in his ass,
Said he's goin on home to Jesus.
And you know yo little sister that ya love so dear
I fucked her all day for a bottle of beer.
So, Mr. Lion, you know that ain't right.
Whenever you meet the elephant be ready to fight.
So the lion jumped up in a helluva rage!
Like a young cocksucker full of gage.
He let out a roar!
Tail shot back like a forty-four.
He went through the jungle knockin down trees,
Kickin giraffes to the knees.
The he ran up on the elephant talkin to the swine.
He said, "All right you big, bad muthafucka. It's gonna be yo ass or mine."
The elephant looked at him outta the corner of his eyes.
Said, "Alright go ahead home you little funny-bunny muthafucka
And pick on somebody your own size.
The lion jumped up and made a fancy pass.
The elephant side-stepped him and kicked him dead in his ass.
He busted up his jaw, fucked up his face.
Broke all four legs, snatched his ass outta place.
Picked him up, slammed him to the tree.
Nothin but lion shit as far as you could see.
He pulled out his nuts, rolled em in the sand.
And kicked his ass like a natural man!
They fought all night and all the next day.
Somehow the lion managed to get away.
But he drug his ass back to the jungle more dead than alive.
Just to run into that little monkey and some more of his signifying jive!
The little monkey said, "Goddamn ole partner, you don't look so swell."
Said, "Look like to me you caught a whole lotta hell."
Said, "Yo eyes is all red and yo asshole is blue,
I knew in the beginning it wasn't shit to you.
There's one thing you and me gotta get straight
Cause you one ugly cocksucker I sure do hate!
Now, when you left, the jungle rung
Now you bring yo dog ass back here damn near hung.
Look muthafucka, ain't you a bitch!
Yo face look like you got the Seven Year Itch!
I told my wife before you left,
I should kicked yo ass my muthafuckin self!
Why I seen you when he threw you into that tree,
Cause some of that ole lion shit got on me!
Why every night when me and my wife is tryin to get a little bit,
Here you come around here with some that old "I owe" shit!
Shut up! Don't you roar!
Cause I'll bail outta this tree and whoop yo dog-ass some more!
And don't look up here with yo sucka-paw case.
Cause I'll piss through the bark of this tree in yo muthafuckin face!"
The little monkey got happy, started jumpin up and down.
His feet missed the limb and his ass hit the ground.
Like a streak of lighting and a ball of white heat,
That lion was on his ass with all four feet.
Dust rolled and tears came into the little monkey's eyes,
The little monkey said, "Look Mr. Lion, I apologize!"
Said, "If you let me get my nuts out the sand,
I'll fight yo ass like a natural man!
Look muthafucka, ain't you a bitch, you ain't raisin no hell,
Cause everybody saw you jump on me after I slipped and f
Said, "If you'll fight like men should
I'd whoop yo ass all over these woods!"
This made the lion mad!
It was the boldest challenge he ever had.
He squared off for the fight,
But that little monkey jumped damn near outta sight!
Landed waaay up in a banana tree and began to grin.
Sayin, "Look here you big, bad muthafucka, you been bullshitted again!
Why, I'll take me one of these bananas,
And whoop on yo ass till it sing the Star Spangle Banner!"
And said, "If you ever mess with me again,
I'm gonna send you back to my elephant friend!"
Said, "The things I told you will never part,
But what I'm gonna tell you know will break yo muthafuckin heart!"
Your mammy ain't no good and yo sister's been a whore"
Said, "I had that bitch on the corner for a year or more!"
The lion looked up with a helluva frown.
Roared so loud that little monkey fell back to the ground.
The little monkey looked up and said "Please, Mr. Lion!
Please don't take my life!
Cause I got thirteen kids and a very sick wife!"
Said, "All of my money to you I'll give, Mr. Lion,
Please just let me live!"
But the lion kicked him in his ass and broke his neck,
Left that little monkey in a helluva wreck.
The monkey looked to the sky,
With tears in his eyes.
Nothin he could see and nothin he could hear,
But he knew that it was the end of his bulllshittin and signifyin career!

Notes: 2 / 2 years ago from ladyl83

Post the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard or have ever used.

ladyl83:

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

I was looking for your number in my phone but couldn’t find it … could you put it in?

Notes: 1 / 2 years ago from americas-most-blunted

(via robcoverisabastard)

Dyslexic much?

2 years ago

ogvanillagorilla:

hellayummycocopuffs:

gangsta

TOO FAR.

NES controller would have been cool… but SNES COME ON!!!

Notes: 8 / 2 years ago from lickystickypickywe

lickystickypickyme:

So sorry about your loss, Hikergirl….

I watched Marley & Me last night and cried like a bitch :’(

2 years ago from ladyl83

ladyl83:

Exactly how I feel right now…

Notes: 44 / 2 years ago from ogvanillagorilla-deact (originally from fearthenoob)

California is way better than New York.

ogvanillagorilla:

theblack:

fearthenoob:

And here’s why.

Better weather.

Better looking people.

800+ miles of beaches.

The ability to drive your own car to the place you want to go.

uh oh

ARE YOU NUCKING FUTTS?

CALI IS PLAYED. TOO HOT. TOO SKANKY. TOO COMMERCIAL. ROCKY BEACHES ON COLD WATER. BROWN/RED/BLACK SAND? DUMB ASS GANGBANGERS. MEXICANS.

As your friend … I will remind you that you are white - you’re not allowed to talk about “gangbangers” and “mexicans.” (people might think you’re a politician)

2 years ago

ogvanillagorilla:

killerrbee:

I wants lil Alex

Loving it.

Notes: 41 / 2 years ago from ogvanillagorilla-deact (originally from floatingintheatmosphere)

ogvanillagorilla:

honeychiiild:

straightandplain:

exclusivee:

ddubbs:

n8kelly:

floatingintheatmosphere:

LOL i HAD to!

LOL omg what is this i dont even

+1

fucking win.

FOR THE GERMANCHOCOLATESTALLION